Casting Couch

It's Wednesday - Rich and I are very excited about our upcoming audition for the Crunchy Nut Cornflakes ad.

As "serial" show-offs, we both see this as a chance to show the world, once and for all, what a talented pair we truly are. The audition is being held in Vinyet and a host of other hopefuls are lined up outside.

Emma writes our names on a piece of paper. There is some debate as to whether Richard should be known as "Richard" or "Hindu Hamster" but Methodist sensibilities prevail and he will be auditioning under his normal name. While waiting for Emma to take our mug-shots, we find a casting couch round the corner and practise our poses.

Emma takes our pictures. "Be more natural" she says to both of us. An absurd grin IS my natural state, so her instructions are hard to interpret. Then, one at a time, it's upstairs to the audition room.

Leslie is on camera, Mark on directing. "Pretend you're running a coconut shy at a village fete." says Mark. "Easy", I think, as I'm pretty sure i've run dozens of coconut shys in my past. I start running my stall, smiling happily at imaginary passers-by. Mark tells me to be more natural. Mmmm. I go for more natural and follow the script and hand Mark some imaginary coconuts.

Given the price of coconut slices on the beach in Sitges, I understand why we have to use imaginary coconuts rather than the real thing. In the ad, the "coconuts" are apparently then going to turn magically into cornflakes and I then have to pretend to snatch the floating flakes out of mid-air. I jump and down snatching imaginary cornflakes out of the air. I realise I am a natural. Made for the part. Mark likens me to Julia Roberts.

I exit the audition room and then it's Richard's turn. Mark likens Richard to Roger Moore. As Roger Moore can't act to save his life, I realise this is Mark's way of telling Richard he hasn't got a chance. Richard confides in me that he was asked to be more natural too. We are both now sitting in, 24 hours a day, waiting for the call.