Friday, November 30, 2007


It is some time now since anything truly exciting happened to me (five months actually) and by exciting I mean the A-list celebrity stuff that I spent the whole of June, like, totally getting used to. Directors, producers, make-up artists all fawning over me, journalists door-stepping me for quotes, fans screaming etc.

That was when I starred as "Lollipot" in the Kellog's Crunchy Nut advertisement (see below).
But now it's my role as "Award Nominee" in the upcoming "European Poker Awards" which is drawing the crowds and is sure to be a box office smash hit somewhere (maybe just but there you go).

Anyway, I am deeply, deeply honoured to have been nominated for anything at all. And Poker Staff Person of the Year (especially given the way I play) is a massive tribute. So for over a month now I have been practising my "award smile" (with great coaching from siktilty boys Hassan and Rury, as well as my campaign manager, Mr Conrad Brunner, PokerStars' Head of Communications, EMEA).

The "award smile" is the smile I will give when SOMEONE ELSE WINS THE AWARD. It's a smile of graceful defeat, tempered with humility. It should have a hint of sorrow. It should not be malicious or in any way threatening. Hass, Rury and I are going to spend the whole of next Thursday practising the smile at Eurodisney so that when I am sitting at a normal dinner table, the "award smile" comes naturally and easily. Photos of the smile will no doubt be made widely and rapidly available after the event to see if I have managed to pull it off.

Sadly none of my friends or colleagues wanted to join me at the Poker Oscars and most cried off with damned lame excuses. Tori is going to an office party, Conrad is washing his hair (joke in itself); Duthie is sulking; Pip is watching a re-run of "Dog Borstal"; Robbie is broke and Richard just doesn't feel like it. Luckily Benjo "Loyalty is my middle name but betrayal is my pen name" Gallen DID feel like a free meal, so he's coming along to sit next to me and (he threatens) "french kiss" me half way through the ceremony.

Of course, there is always the tiniest possibility that I might actually win the award. I am up against four others including a girl called Orla who "turned the Irish Open into Europe's biggest ever poker tournament". That's nothing, as a friend pointed out, we turned the Bahamas into part of Europe which may sound easy but believe you me, is fraught with problems. Also, according to my friends Hass and Rury, Orla is "fit" and they would vote for her if they could. Luckily they can't.

So, I've prepared a speech (10 x A4) JUST IN CASE I DO WIN which will thank all the various people who have helped me get where I am today (not the ex-boyfriends, they're all wankers) but principally Mr Conrad Brunner (full title as above) and Mr John Duthie, founder of the EPT, last year's Lifetime Achievement winner and, most importantly, VISIONARY.

If I don't get a chance to give this speech in Paris (and have to do the award smile instead), I'll reproduce what I would have said here instead. With edits and footnotes. Wish me luck..!