Thursday, June 28, 2007

Sorry, can't talk, I'm in make-up

For those that have missed Parts I & II, Richard and I are starring are "featured extras" in the new Kellogs' Crunchy Nut advert. The story continues...

Part III: Wardrobe.
"Wardrobe" day was taking place at the headquarters of Mark's film production house in Poble Nou. As we were five minutes early, we headed for the caff next door and ordered some cornflakes so we could 'get into our roles'. Turns out they don't have Crunchy Nuts so we had to have the five-course "menu del dia" instead. Half an hour later, we rocked up in our limo outside Number 37 Calle Llull.

Bit disappointing; looked like a building site. Actually was a building site. Quick consult of map. Wrong address.

Seconds later, we are the real headquarters of LP Production - Number 137. Aaah, that's better. Super-glamorous. Just the kind of place Richard and I feel utterly at home. Mark was at his desk and, for some reason, laughed the minute he saw us. He shooed us through to wardrobe.

Great. Full of hot chicks. Richard was very excited so I threw cold water on him and we gave our names to Ana. 'Aaaah', she said: 'Reeechad ant Mat. "Beezneez Man" and "Lollipot". Very good'.

Thrilled that we had had an instant upgrade from "Featured Extra", we took our seats. Richard is a master of his craft so paid close attention as Ana fitted up two glamorous, extraordinarily beautiful women in front of us. They twirled and swirled and Richard looked rather hot so I threw another glass of water over him.

The girls are in the "casino" scene. Obviously I will be in the casino scene too as, not only am I extraordinarily beautiful, but I practically live in casinos for work. Plus I am excellent at poker. Reeechard also wants to be in the casino scene for slightly different reasons.

No. We are not in the casino scene, we are in the "golf" scene. This is fine too because Portal del Roc Pitch & Putt is pratically my second home and I am excellent at golf. I start practising my back swing while Reechard disappears behind a screen with one of the hot chicks.

Two seconds later he emerges, virtually unrecognisable as "Beezneez Man". It was like seeing Alan Partridge transformed into Daniel Craig. Astounding. I had no idea Reechard could be so smooth and debonair. The wardrobe girl poured some cold water over me and the director gave Rich the thumbs-up.

Then it was my turn. I'd quite liked the dresses the casino girls were in so was optimistic about the "look" they'd devised for my part. Turns out "Lollipot" is Catalan or whatever for "Lollipop". The wardrobe chick hands me a size 22 florescent jacket and asks me if it's too small. I think I can squeeze into it and then it's my turn out front.

Jim, the director, is absolutely thrilled. "My god, she's fabulous, simply perfect, what's her name, etc etc." Reechard tells me this is probably bad news as now I'm typecast. Everyone takes pictures of me for their Facebook albums and then it's back to real life.

Despite putting in about 50 missed calls before we arrived for Wardrobe, Reechard and I very disappointed no one rang us back so we could tell them we couldn't talk. We are holding out for "Sorry, I'm in make-up" at the shoot tomorrow. Mark is giving us a lift in his limo and we're meeting at 6am. As the only way I can possibly do anything at 6am is to stay up all night, I'm going to spend the evening at "Ricky's", the town disco. Richard is a method actor so he is going to spend the night eating cornflakes.

Mark says if there are any Crunchy Nuts left after the shoot, we're allowed to keep them.