Bon Nadal

This year, for the first time, I am going to spend Christmas in Sitges. Usually I like to spend Christmas in countries that have never heard of it, or are actively against it. For me, Christmas is the perfect time to sample the festive joys of a mini-Jihad so I usually head for Saudi Arabia. Plus everyone has told me that Christmas in Sitges is dreadful.

A normal Christmas

"There's no one here. There's nothing to do. Everywhere is closed". Fabulous. Music to my ears. And, if not music, then the screechy, nightmare reedy instrument that Catalans like to call music.

Already the streets are emptying and everyone that used to live here has now moved into their new home on the A7 or Easyjet queue at El Prat. The claims that there will be nothing to do in Sitges are rubbish anyway. I've got lots to do - for a start, there's poker tonight and then tomorrow I'm going to run a illegal Fight Club in my living-room between Pebble the kitten and Squish the hamster.

Anyone who says pets are not just for Christmas is talking rubbish. Pebble and Squish are definitely only for Christmas - and may not even last that long if tomorrow's Fight Club turns nasty.

We are giving Squish some odds as he's a lot smaller than Pebble and also he's only a hamster. Plus Pebble is not a normal kitten. Pebble is a vicious, rabid killer kitten of the kind only found in Sitges alleyways and only picked up and taken home if you're a 12-year-old ex-pat kid with blinkered parents. By the time Pebble has grown to adult size, he'll have a muzzle and a gun licence. So it's not looking awfully good for Squish.

After Fight Club, there's going to be a few days of intensive TV viewing and then the holiday highlight: Christmas Lunch at Monroes.

Monroe's is a fantastic Sitges restaurant run by my good friends Ben and Paul. Ben and Paul are a gay couple who look like builders and like to dress up in frocks. Hence Drag Queen Bingo, Drag Queen Curry Night and - now - Drag Queen Christmas Lunch. Paul is in charge of food and Ben is in charge of innuendo and lowering the tone. There will be ceaseless jokes about sausages, stuffing and the like, plus a Christmas quiz, lashings of rioja and some Christmas puddings imported from M&S.

Ben Ashton - Maitre D' at Monroes

To make this event even more interesting, I have invited along some highly conservative Argentinian friends who have never had an English Christmas lunch and certainly not one delivered by a cruiserweight in ballgown, wig and inflatable tits. The whole prospect of Christmas lunch at Monroe's is making me drool with anticipation.

So Bon Nadal to everyone - and have a wonderful Christmas whereever you are.